The Final F You of 2020?

OR Is it Still Tuesday?

Christmas? What Christmas? Part of me is confused why I am not angry. I am quite honestly so afraid that I only find solace in gratitude. Have I had crippling anxiety wax and wane over the last week? Yep. CBD gummies and a glass of wine can help me through the worst ones. I have drank less this year so one glass gets me tipsy now. I think that’s a good thing.

“You know we are going to have a wonderful Christmas, don’t you?” I had asked him. It was our first Christmas together. Last year I was with my children in Las Vegas to babysit my Granddaughter. It’s always a good time for the vacation. Since there is no way to get a 10-year-old into daycare for two weeks, I get her all to myself. My school closes for break and it works perfect. This year was going to be SPECIAL I told myself. A new beginning.

Let me take a minute to tell you a little about my Boyfriend. Bill is one of the most loving, encouraging, and appreciative human beings in existence. This past year with him has been an awakening of how true balance and peace within a human can feel. Just peaceful and grateful because I have never known the kind of acceptance I have found in his arms. He is a wonderful and weird gentleman who just makes me laugh and think and believe in Happiness and Love again.

That said I was pretty bummed out that for the first time in thirty years I wouldn’t be able to be with my children because of Covid restrictions and general fear of dying from it. Bill’s kids are funny like mine and have been genuinely welcoming of me. I am grateful and I think it is a big relief to Bill. I was like, hey if I can’t have my babies I look forward to a couple drinks and some laughs with a new family. Not that they replace mine, just now we have more, together. Happy Happy. We had planned our menu, bought our gifts, then on Tuesday, the 22nd Bill started feeling sick. I was exhausted as well and we ended up falling asleep from like 5:30 to 8 pm. One hell of a nap, right?

On Wednesday, the 23rd he spiked a fever, 101. We called and got him in for a test for Covid. Two hours in the car waiting first to get him in, then for him to come out. I didn’t even care. We chatted the whole time.

The weekend before we had gone Christmas tree shopping in a couple places and for a present on Sunday. We always wear masks and sanitize our hands. We even have spray bottles of sanitizer in the car, and we spray our masks every time we take them off. Even though we work from home and tried to do everything right, we had to postpone Christmas until we got the results. They came on Christmas Day of all days. Positive. We waited to tell the family until the next day. No one wants that as a Christmas memory. Pain, sadness and fear crept over my optimistic happy plans. But all I could think was I have to take care of him. He has to be okay. I don’t want to live in a world he doesn’t exist in. The final Fuck You of 2020 I said to a friend. We both laughed. I guess it could be worse, so fuck it. Lets just get through this.

We were not surprised since he had all the symptoms, we were surprised because we were so careful. It was a shock. We just assumed I had it, since we are always together. Saturday the 26th I got tested too. We didn’t separate because it was inconceivable I didn’t have it. He continued to feel sicker and exhausted, so he slept and drank a lot and tried to get better. To say we are still holding our breath and hoping he gets through with no lasting issues is an understatement. That has not gone away. I didn’t feel sick, just had a small rash. I get my results… Negative. HOW? How is that possible? I was very sick in April and joked I had it so maybe I am immune. Immediately he decides he is going to stay in the room and I am staying out in the living room hoping I never get it. As of this writing I am still feeling fine and still in the living room.

That is where we are today. A Christmas tree with unopened presents. (See above.) A couple sitting on opposite ends of a house feeling heartsick for each other. Sending little love memes or ideas on what to watch to pass the time. Hoping we get a break. Hoping for a positive outcome.

The days blend but don’t seem to pass. I have a hard time sleeping in the living room because we have a sweet new mattress that I miss. It is like heaven (Nectar-if you are curious). I doze and wake and am shocked sometimes its still the same damn day. Tuesday we had 2 days in one. I swore things that had happened were the day before but they were in the morning. It was the longest day. Until Wednesday. It just keeps going. I think its still Wednesday, honestly. Yup it is as of this post, Wednesday Volume 2.

It has been taxing on the soul. When you are used to sharing everything from breakfast and dinner to brushing our teeth and popping some CBD with melatonin to get some sleep. Now we find ourselves unable to hold each other or get a hug or even see each other without a mask. It is taxing on the soul for sure. I broke a couple times, feeling this panic at the thought of losing him and our happy little home we created together was overwhelming. I let myself cry. I felt like a selfish asshole for a few minutes then I got over it.

Let me tell you the fact I meditated for years has a huge factor in what came next. I accepted that it was human to want to keep him and love him for as long as possible in this life. I needed to accept this happened and do everything I can to keep him healthy and help him recover. This meant giving him peace, bringing him food and trying to be positive so his emotional state is as high vibrational as possible. It has been boring for both of us so minimally, I am at least a positive thing in his life at the moment.

Randomly at the perfect moment, he sent me an adorable text, “I love you”. That’s it, like he was reading my mind. “I miss you” I send, then an “I love you” back. We talk about how much we miss each other and how silly we feel because he is right there. Its like he is missing from me. I want to hug him and help him fall asleep, but I have to sit here and eat cookies trying to figure out what show I can sleep to and wake up and pick right back up. He is going through the same on the other end of the house. It is frustrating, but I feel calm. Its either I have shut down emotionally or I am in a good place. Who knows?

This morning, I woke up exhausted because I kept waking up with either an arm asleep or my back stabbing me awake. I sat up and thought… I should be miserable. Why am I so peaceful inside? I went through all the positive things that came out of this shit year. I have been blessed. I had a part time job that I had to quit out of fear of Covid. The fact I have time to enjoy my life and get to rest is a welcome blessing. My regular work is in a Library on a College campus. We have been on and off closed allowing me to work from home and not go on unemployment. Very big blessing. I am grateful. My son moved with his sister to Las Vegas, so I got to drive 2,300 miles on Route 40 and part of Old Route 66 this Summer to take him out to start a new life. That time with him was fun and adventurous. I am so grateful for that experience. Since he was gone out on his own, and I was an empty nester, Bill and I decided we didn’t want to be apart so I moved in with him. This has been a huge lift to my life. We blended well and things have never been more secure or happy in my life.

So as much as this is some serious bullshit and I struggle with my emotions, I know my life and experience is what I make it. I have a lot to be grateful for especially my own health. Therefore, I have colored for hours, played mahjong, created new Pinterest lists of hopeful things and ate about sixty cookies. I search for funny memes and send them randomly to my sister and my kids. I text my 80 year old Mom and tell her I love her randomly to cheer her up.

I still miss our ice cream desserts and drinking tea with toast at night. I miss going places on Saturdays. But this time has allowed me to appreciate him even more and look forward to our adventures moving forward. I will maintain my happy outlook for the future with him. I am taking a deep breath and sending out the intention to the Universe for a loving happy future.

I am keeping the Faith, but I have no idea what is going to happen. I am a realist. Here is a sincere heartfelt blessing of Love to all of you in the same position. Alone but together, we weather this waiting and hope for the good things to come.

Love to All